As a viable, commercial avenue for the creative outlets of talented craftsmen, the Indian movie industry spells success, fame and fortune (in eye-popping zeros, if you please).
The Hindi filmdom, which overshadows its fellow regional movie productions like a BIG brother, has naturally become the preferred choice and destination for everyone who wants to touch the sky and reign among the stars in the shortest possible time (casting couch be damned).
Sadly, in this huge rush (for want of a better word) to grab a share of the pie-at-the-end-of-the-Bollywood Rainbow, the first casualities are discretion, sensibility and plain old commonsense, all of them wilfully sacrificed on the Altar of Fame.
So, it is with a bemused grin, chuckle or groan that you watch on television the cast interviews at the time of a movie launch, a soundtrack release or a movie preview. You stare in abject fascination at the similar 'language' being mouthed by all of those wannabe starlets and stars.
What makes it all the more enjoyable (I cringe here) is that all of them, more or less, sound the same.
So, here is a light-hearted attempt at compiling the 'keywords' that make up the basic language structure of apna Bollywood.
You may be familiar with some, and a stranger to most, but rest assured, it gets more enjoyable with each passing day.
1. A DIFFERENT MOVIE: The stress here is on the word 'different', as in, "It's different because compared to my other movies, I'm making an honest attempt to emote/act here, but it isn't working, as usual, and my director ain't buying it either!"
2. A LEARNING EXPERIENCE: This is another expression fit for the Intensive care ward of the English language. When used in an interview, it normally means: "Frankly, I haven't the faintest idea of how to go about acting out the character and had to learn everything, right from how to tie my shoelaces properly to the fact that movie scripts are written in Hindi and not as SMS text."
3. A BRILLIANT DIRECTOR: The use of this expression is normally followed by a frantic rolling of the eyes, salivation and minor frothing at the mouth (in extreme cases). Seasoned interviewers can be seen bracing themselves after this keyword is used, normally keeping their index finger on the emergency-services speed-dial button on their cellphones buried in their jackets. Just in case.
The expression is used to indicate abject servility, as in, "You have no idea what it means to be working after vegetating for two years post my debut movie. I don't care if it may be a blink-and-you-miss-role, but it is a role, dammit, and I can afford to buy a pack of real cigarettes after they paid me the advance amount. That man is God. There is nothing I wouldn't do for the next production, believe me. I don't know what his last movie was, but as far as I'm concerned, he's brilliant, just for the fact that I get to work in his movie."
This is followed by more rolling of the eyes, and as the Interviewer pulls out his rosary frantically, the paramedics rush in.
4. FUN ON THE SETS: Usually heard amidst throaty giggling and elbowing between the cast present at the interview and more often than not may mean: "The things that we did in the make-up van would surely have made our Sunday School teacher flee his grave (God rest his soul). You just can't blame us alone, after all. Most often, the DVD player at the sets would refuse to work, which kept the scriptwriter from finishing his sequences based on that 'angrezi picher'. How long can one sit around in the sun with full make-up?"
And so on and so forth.
Your contributions towards enriching and nurturing the New Age Language of the Stars would be highly appreciated, my dear Constant Viewer.
After all, these efforts would contribute to the wholesome well-being of the Stars and, thereby, the Industry.Can you imagine a week without a Friday opening?
This helps.
Believe me.
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